This programme contains strong language.
I'm Frankie Boyle. I'm a comedian and I've always loved football.
Hey, we've got a crowd in! HE CHUCKLES
It's like my first Edinburgh Fringe up there!
This year, Russia will host the World Cup for its first time.
Russia!
How do you think the World Cup's going to go?
Brilliant. Come to Moscow, don't be afraid of anything!
Come on, what can go wrong?
When the BBC was looking for someone to explore Russia
in the build-up to the greatest show on Earth,
it had my name written all over it.
In the run-up to the 2018 World Cup,
relations between Russia and Britain are so bad
that nothing I could say or do could possibly make them any worse...
..is the lie that I told BBC commissioners.
But there's one problem.
I'm terrified of flying.
So, my 2,000 mile journey from Glasgow to Moscow
relied on cars, buses and trains.
Not the best way to navigate the largest country on Earth.
But with Scotland not in this year's tournament,
and worse still, England qualifying...
..how else can I enjoy Russia 2018...
..and discover a whole other world behind the World Cup?
RAPS: # Turn you on like Bathsheba Then cut you off like Crimea... #
Meet my friend, Vladimir.
Aargh!
This is the sea!
A wee bit of grey in the beard!
Welcome to Russia.
It's February, and here in Moscow, it's -15 degrees.
The view across this mighty city would be awe-inspiring,
if only my eyelids hadn't frozen shut.
STIRRING CHORAL MUSIC
That's me there,
walking into a football stadium.
It's enormous,
but all I can think about is how terrible my breakfast was.
The Luzhniki Stadium in Moscow is Russia's best known venue
and showpiece stadium.
And on June 14th, it hosts the first game of the World Cup finals.
Russia versus Saudi Arabia.
And that might be the last we hear of the Russian national team,
because at the moment, they're pretty terrible.
They're currently ranked 65th in the world,
35 places underneath Ukraine, which has got to hurt.
Luzhniki was built in 1956 at the end of this snowy road.
Once the centrepiece for Soviet sporting excellence,
Luzhniki has also staged concerts for decadent Westerners, like...
The Metallica,
The Motley Crue,
and The Bon Jovi.
# Livin' on a prayer... #
In 2010, U2 played the Luzhniki Stadium in front of 85,000 people...
..making it one of the worst human right abuses in Russian history.
The playing surface of Luzhniki is bathed in state-of-the-art
full-spectrum lights, to keep the grass fresh and green
during Moscow's 18 month long winter.
The stadium has more lights than a Glasgow cannabis factory.
Not that I've ever seen one.
Or have one in my basement.
Why are we even talking about this?
Russia's overall expenditure on the World Cup might end up
being 20 billion, and who's to say that these hugely expensive
stadia won't provide a useful legacy?
At least, it seems that Russia intends to use their showpiece
stadiums for football, unlike Britain, who gave ours to West Ham.
Of course, Russia isn't spending all of this money just to
showcase a fairly poor national team.
Like any World Cup hosts, they're involved in national image-building.
Russia!
Eight years ago, an international gang of criminals,
known to Interpol by the codename "Fifa",
awarded the World Cup to Russia.
Many people assume that Russia bribed FIFA to host
the 2018 World Cup.
But I prefer to think that they did it the old-fashioned way,
with death threats.
The computers that Russia used for the bid were smashed up
and destroyed after it was completed.
Is that corruption,
or just how any of us react when we've completed a deadline?
Being awarded the role of World Cup hosts
was a dream for Russia,
its time to shine on the international stage.
But the dream went horribly wrong.
Things kicked off in Ukraine.
Russian soldiers annexed Crimea,
Russian fans invaded France,
Russian athletes got high,
Russian gays got screwed,
Russian prostitutes got work,
and the image of the world's largest country was in tatters.
Should Vladimir Putin be leading Russia?
Can any man simultaneously run two superpowers?
Did Russia hack the American election?
Nobody knows for sure.
All we know for sure is that they recently hacked into my phone
and filled it with porn,
just before my girlfriend looked at it.
MUSIC: "Kalinka"
The 2018 World Cup is Russia's chance to put everything right,
to give us all something to cheer about.
This summer, Russia is hosting the biggest party on the planet
and throwing open its doors to the world.
ALL: Welcome to Russia!
Welcome to Russia.
BOTH: Welcome to Russia.
But can football change the face of Russia?
I don't know.
But I can promise you this.
I'm going to have a half-hearted attempt to find out.
OK, good afternoon, students.
So, we're preparing for the World Cup, which...
I'm at a World Cup training programme
at Russia's State Social University.
It is very important for us in our country,
because it's such type of event
that creates the positive image of the country.
It's one of several World Cup courses
being taught in host cities across Russia.
15,000 students are being coached on how to charm foreign guests
and win over the Western media.
So, we need to be very polite, very friendly,
very happy to see everybody in our country.
It's the first time I've been in a class like this
since the three years I spent at a Swiss finishing school.
Most important thing is to smile.
And also, we shouldn't forget
that some people who will come to the World Cup can speak Russian,
so we should remember how to greet them in Russian.
Frankie?
Er, privet? STUDENTS LAUGH
No, we shouldn't say privet. No?
It's like, no, we should say only good afternoon, goodnight... Oh!
I don't know, in that case. So, dobroe utro.
Dobroe utro.
It's "good morning".
Next lesson is about helping a tourist lost in the Moscow Subway.
OK, we need to go to Tretyakovskaya, from Sportivnaya.
It's here, just in case.
So, the second one?
The teacher decides to test the travel skills
of a typical Scottish idiot.
How do I get to Kremlin?
I go for three stops, then I get out,
then there's a... Here, here.
There's a thing British people often say when they're giving directions,
at the end, they go, "You can't miss it."
Even though there's a good chance they will miss it and get lost
and die at the side of a motorway somewhere.
You just try and give them that wee moment of comfort,
"You can't miss it."
When students have learned how to cope with a disorientated comedian,
it's on to something slightly easier.
How to survive a chemical attack.
I have a massive head,
so I don't even know if the gas mask will fit.
VOICEOVER: This is the first time I've felt socially at ease
in my entire adult life.
Take it off, Frankie.
Now you're ready for a gas attack!
I should shave before the gas attack!
RUSSIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYS
If all goes well, the 2018 World Cup will be one of the greatest
triumphs of Putin's first 200 years in office.
The only risk is that Putin's ego becomes so gigantically enlarged
that he actually pops.
From bottom of my heart,
thank you.
Putin is determined for the tournament to go smoothly,
so he can rebuild a positive image of Russia - and himself.
I always liked Vladimir Putin's image-building,
all these photos he does where he's getting presented with a puppy...
..ice-skating...
..fishing or something.
His life's kind of like a six-year-old's birthday party.
Here he is on a horse. He likes a horse.
He's a one-man Center Parcs.
If I ever get to meet Putin,
I'll probably take my top off and challenge him
to an erotically charged wrestling match,
which I'll let him win.
To me, Putin is a fascinating and shadowy figure.
He's a former officer in the KGB
who has ruled Russia with an iron grip for almost 19 years,
cracking down ruthlessly on any critics.
But to a lot of Russians, he's a genuine hero.
Well, the door's locked.
I've come to downtown Moscow
to meet someone who thinks Putin can do no wrong.
BUZZER SOUNDS
How are you doing, man? All right. Sergei, nice to meet you, man.
Sergei Kalenik works in PR.
He's also written a comic book
portraying Putin as a daredevil martial arts expert.
I'm hoping Sergei can give me an idea
if Putin can pull off the PR coup of the decade
to put on a World Cup which creates a positive image of Russia.
Meet my friend, Vladimir.
Hi, Vlad.
Are you a bit of a Putin stalker? Yeah!
You're a big fan of Putin? Yes, of course.
Nobody can do what Putin doing.
And people like this.
If Putin wasn't the people's choice,
he won't be a president.
You know, in the West, he's got quite a bad image, really.
They think that the photos and staff that he does, they find that
a little bit kind of ridiculous.
Putin is just a person that trying to do the best.
All this fake news, all this propaganda about evil Russia,
about evil Putin -
everything in the West is trying to paint Russia in
black and white colours, like, it's a shame, it's dictatorship
and something like this.
But come on, guys, it's... it's not working like this.
And how do you think the World Cup's going to go?
I think it will come brilliant. What can go wrong?
Is there any worries about hooligans or anything like that?
I can guarantee you that will be zero troubles.
Don't be afraid of anything.
Propaganda is propaganda and reality is reality,
and we'll see that Moscow is typical European city.
For Russia, it's... it's very important
to make a good picture, a good image.
Sergei worked with illustrators to give Putin's image a makeover,
by creating a comic strip called Super Putin.
He's a simple guy.
Super Putin is the protector of the nation's traditional values,
fighting off an army of zombie liberals.
The same liberals that Actual Putin has been at ideological war with
since he came to power.
A key battleground has been Russia's less than liberal
legislation around homosexuality.
We have a different culture, because in Russian culture,
we don't have such things of gays.
At all.
We have... No, you do have gay guys here.
Er, we have guys that are addicted to sex.
It's not normal in culture to always say,
"Come on, I'm addicted to sex." It's your local problem.
You must understand almost nobody in the world agrees with that.
And it seems from the outside...
I mean, other than in the Middle East or something.
Yeah, but... From the outside,
it seems like a really intolerant position.
Why? It's not an intolerant position.
No, because gay people are allowed to love whoever they want,
they are allowed to make love to whoever they want,
and they shouldn't be told whether they can or can't by the state.
I don't know why you're so obsessed with... I'm not obsessed with it,
I just... That is propaganda about Russia...
No, it's not propaganda about Russia,
and I couldn't be further removed from the sort of people who
believe propaganda about Russia.
But I think if Russia wants to present itself on the world stage
as progressive in any way, that's a very silly law to have.
What, you think there is no propaganda in this...
Well, I don't... This is definitely propaganda.
Well, yeah, I mean, I always question everything,
but I don't have to question whether gay people should have exactly
the same rights as straight people, because it's all about equality,
and surely, the founding of Russia and communism and socialism
and everything is all about equality,
and if it's equality for anyone, it's equality
for gays and straights, the same as it is for women and men,
the same as it is for everybody.
I'm shocked that Sergei has such an archaic point of view.
It feels so at odds with a country that prides itself
on being a wealthy and civilised superpower.
Ever since David Hasselhoff brought communism to an end in 1991,
society has changed radically and money has flooded in.
Moscow is heaving with billionaires.
For young affluent Russians, image is now everything.
One of the most surprising things about Russia is that loads of cafes,
loads of restaurants have this kind of hipsterish vibe about it.
And I thought it was quite a London thing.
Turns out it's not.
I wonder if it's because
Russians own so much of the property in London,
like, maybe people are like,
"Trust me, this will work for a restaurant idea.
"I have 364 flats in Shoreditch.
"I know what I'm talking about."
Or maybe it went the other way. You know?
Maybe it originated here, and Russian people,
when they came over to London, were like,
"We need to civilise this place.
"Start serving fries on a skateboard,
"pouring cocktails out of a watering can.
"Teach these people how to live."
So hipsterish is Moscow that after only a few days here,
I'm feeling the need to sharpen up my own image.
In Russia, a beard is seen as a sign of masculinity
and heterosexuality. And it's true.
Since I've been here,
almost all the men I've had sex with have been clean-shaven.
But Russian ideas about masculinity are changing
and male grooming is being seen as more important.
Russian men, especially the younger generation,
are expected to take more care of their appearance
and trendy hipster barbershops are popping up all over Moscow.
What do you think you could do with this?
I feel my beard is very untidy.
Yeah. I feel my hair is very untidy. Yeah.
And I feel my eyebrows are sort of like a dog that's on its way out.
Uh-huh. So I can help you.
A girl barber can do a man handsome,
brutal and masculine. Yeah.
I'm up for that.
Lisa Sokolova has set up Moscow's first all-female barbershop.
Actually, Russian society, a hairdresser,
he can only be, for example, a gay or a girl.
But for those men who are afraid of gay hairdressers,
they prefer to go to girls.
They're afraid of gay hairdressers? Yes, yes. Yeah.
In Russia, we have this very patriarchal traditions,
and mostly man want to be dominant.
Right. But we'll have this traditional gender things.
We like man power, Russian girls, they dream about a strong,
brave hero, who will defend them, who will take care of them.
In Russia, the society is not feminist.
And I'm not a feminist myself. Yeah?
So I don't like all this feminist bullshit.
I think that, I always protect men when somebody says that
men are doing something wrong,
when they offend you or something. Really?
So Russian men like to take care of women
and they don't want women to be, like, bosses,
they don't want women to be in politics,
they don't want women to be strong.
All the stuff you were saying about the Russian
idea of women can't be a boss and can't be in control.
But you...you are the boss.
Yes, and I am strong. And you are strong. I am strong.
And you are all these things. Yes, yes.
Russian girls are something specific because on the one hand,
we're quite, like, this princess style
and all this, like, ladylike girls.
But on the other hand, we're very strong
because after the Second World War,
yes, because there were not so much men left after the war.
So you know that Soviet Union was the first country where
men and women started to be equal in rights.
Do Russian people have any images of what Britain's like?
Well, I really do respect Great Britain and British people.
I really love British humour, for example, your show, like,
Little Britain.
But I watched your stand-up shows and I don't understand a word.
Nobody understands me. Yeah, because it's the humour,
it's not typical for Russian people.
You make fun of the things which are, I don't understand.
But you look nice, I like... Thanks. And the people are laughing!
People are coming up in the street and asking you, they say,
"Oh, I love you so much, you are my..."
Like, I don't know, "You're my God?"
Er... Not many of those.
What else can I say?
Great Britain is known for football and football fans.
Most Russian football fans take after British football fans.
It's very trendy to be like a British football fan.
They like Burberry, Fred Perry.
Do you ever get people in here who are football hooligans?
Yes, yes, football hooligans.
And I also had a boyfriend who was a football fan.
For example, after the fight when he was injured hard,
I took him to the hospital with this head
and blood falling from him
and I felt like I'm... I'm, this, like, hero girl.
I don't know how to explain it. But it was very romantic.
It's very interesting to talk to you.
Yeah, it's good. You're a nice person!
Yeah.
After Lisa's compliments,
I enjoy one of those heady moments of feeling so good
that I decide to walk 600 miles to my next destination.
But after five minutes, I'm so cold that I opt to take the train.
The largest city in the south is Rostov-on-Don.
It has a good football team
and a reputation for some violent supporters.
The journey to Rostov lasts 20 hours but it beats flying.
The only reason to take an internal flight in Russia
is to see the beautiful countryside
as your plane cartwheels into a forest.
The train is also the perfect opportunity to relax and have a nap.
But alas, I haven't had a wink of sleep in the last 14 years,
which goes some way to explain
some of my more serious psychological disorders.
Russia has 11 World Cup host cities
but I've decided to come to Rostov for a very good reason.
It's twinned with Glasgow.
The two cities have been twinned for over 30 years.
But five years ago, after Russia passed an anti-gay law,
Glasgow debated cutting ties with Rostov,
a process known as Glegxit by absolutely no-one.
Like the two ugliest people at the disco,
Rostov and Glasgow got together
when every other city in the world had already paired up.
When Rostov and Glasgow were twinned,
the sigh of relief from Mogadishu could be heard around the world.
Now, the people of Rostov and Glasgow
might seem very different on the surface.
But deep down inside, they have something important in common.
Cirrhosis of the liver.
And the two cities share another passion.
A square go.
Glasgow and Rostov-on-Don have both been listed as two of the top 10
most dangerous cities in Europe, according to WorldAtlas.com.
In 2017, Rostov pummelled its way to number one
with Glasgow a very creditable nine.
Does this remind you of Glasgow, Frankie? Yeah, a little bit.
You know, certain parts of Glasgow.
Obviously the huge Russian Orthodox communities, in both...
HE LAUGHS
Are you surprised at Russia so far?
I'm sort of surprised by how nice everything is.
Everything is in no way as kind of like as decrepit
as our image of Russia, we have this idea of, like, something
transitioning from the Soviet era into a modern era,
but still all this very old stuff, that was my image of it.
Whereas actually it seems very modern. And it seems...
It seems to be growing, you know?
This town seems to be on the up, that's how it feels.
During the World Cup, Rostov-on-Don will host five football games
in its new purpose-built 45,000 seater stadium,
that stands on the banks of the mighty River Don.
The River Don, on which the city stands, divides it into two parts.
The Asian and European parts of Russia.
It's a city of 1 million people with a large Cossack population.
Cossacks were warriors who ventured into Siberia
in pursuit of skins and ivory.
Warriors so bored of humanity,
they decided to fight elephants
in a town where the air is made of ice.
Why wouldn't you want to be a Cossack?
The Cossacks have a proud history, drenched in blood, vodka and horses.
Around 700 years ago, they escaped from serfdom
and fled to the badlands of southern Russia,
where they finally had the freedom to live a quiet life
of plunder and pillage.
Anyone coming to Rostov-on-Don for the World Cup
is going to see plenty of Cossacks.
President Putin has given them special powers
as a kind of private police force,
assigned to stamp out any antisocial behaviour.
The Cossacks played a similar role at the Sochi Winter Olympics,
where they helped to keep the peace in true Cossack fashion.
ALL SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN
Of course, not all Cossacks are whip-wielding psychopaths.
There are some of a more sensitive persuasion.
Here's one, Max Ilinov, the rapper.
Through his music, Max wants to show the more soft
and gooey side of the Cossack lifestyle.
I'm a huge fan of hip-hop, and I'm looking forward to hearing Max flow.
But first he wants to introduce me to the culture.
How you doing, man, you Max? It's Max.
How you doing, I'm Frankie. Frankie.
And also Max. Also Max. Hey, how you doing? Hello.
Translate!
This is cool, you've got a sword.
HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN Oh, it's a stick?
It's a weapon.
Oh, right, no shit, it's a sword.
You arrived yesterday?
Aye, yeah, I don't fly so I've just been taking trains everywhere.
Max and his brother-in-law, Little Max,
are taking me to meet his mum, to celebrate International Women's Day.
First, they want to buy her some flowers.
They've left their sword. They're not going to abandon us.
International Women's Day is a worldwide campaign
to promote equal rights.
In Russia, they mainly do this with fresh flowers,
compliments for the ladies
and a special message from President Putin.
FRANKIE LAUGHS
I don't think that guy is going to be a lot of use to women today.
He's just...
Flower. Happy woman's day.
Yeah, now we are arriving to our parents' house.
This is my mother, Alexandra.
THEY SPEAK RUSSIAN
Hi. How you doing? Pleased to meet you, I'm Frankie.
Hiya. Pleased to meet you. I brought you these for women's day.
Spasibo. This sword isn't mine, this is his.
Cossacks pride themselves on being fierce with their enemies
and soft with their friends.
With the cabbage and with the liver.
Liver and cabbage?
Yeah, but maybe...
Maybe this is the with the liver,
and this is with the cabbage.
OK. It's like vegetarian roulette.
It's better to test to understand. OK.
Drink. Cossacks drink.
Is it alcoholic, though? No, no, no alcohol.
Apricot. Apricot.
That's really nice. OK?
Apricot juice and cabbage pastries, man. Yeah.
Good. I drank too much when I was younger, I don't drink any more.
I used up my...used up my goes.
And you...you don't drink at all?
Don't drink at all. No. Not for 20 years. Never?
Oh, no, before I drank a lot.
And...? Too much.
So you will never...?
No, never again. Never again.
Can...can you drink not too much and...stop at all? No.
Maybe... That's exactly what I can't do.
That was what I was weak at.
For travellers coming to Russia for the World Cup,
there will be opportunities to enjoy this kind of Cossack hospitality.
Some Russians will be renting out rooms during the tournament.
This is my room.
Oh, yeah. Wallpaper...
Right. Cool, man. Because I like football.
But I suspect Max won't want any English fans to stay,
in case they sniff out what he's got hidden in the basement.
Here is the wine laboratory.
It's the special, secret room.
Like a safe.
Because here is a lot of wine and... Oh, wow.
There's enough home-brew here
to strip the paint off the Forth Bridge.
Yeah, this is a lot.
LAUGHTER
So the key for this place, has only my mother. Right.
And she... Your mother keeps the keys!
Something tells me they know where Mum keeps that key...
HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN, LAUGHS
..and it's starting to make me nervous.
Frankie, Frankie!
If you can't remember my name, I'm not standing where that sword...
THEY LAUGH
MAX SPEAKS RUSSIAN
A drunken Max introduces me to the deadly Cossack shashka.
Shashka is the number one blade in the world.
Cossack's shashka.
HE IMITATES ANGRY SHOUTING
He will show you. And then...
Then I have a go?
Sure, yeah, yeah.
HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN
This is a masterclass of Max.
This cabbage is no match for Max and his shashka.
With sabre skills like these, the Cossacks helped the Tsars
conquer Siberia, the Caucasus and Central Asia
in return for land, privileges and booze.
HE BLOWS OUT
OK.
LAUGHTER
That wasn't very... Frankie.
A bit more strength, more power.
Oh!
HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN
Hiya! Hiya! Aaah!
OK.
THEY LAUGH
HE YELLS
THEY LAUGH
Ya! Ya!
Ya!
How did it feel? Yeah, I feel intense, man.
I feel like I really fucked that guy up.
Very sinister,
it's quite frightening to be slashing through the air with that.
These traditions, first of all,
love and believe in God.
Then... Then sabre.
First love, then if love doesn't work...
HE LAUGHS
If you come...if you come to us with love,
we give you all the love.
But don't mess with Cossacks.
As it's International Women's Day,
it's the men's job to prepare the fish stew.
I tend to bake potatoes, literally so that I don't have to do this.
There's a bit of a difference in skill levels here,
of food preparation.
Thankfully, Glasgow has a vibrant barbecue culture
so I can really muck in here.
Fish heads.
Piece by piece.
Yeah, yeah, like this.
Families here live in a strong hierarchical system,
where the man's word is law.
THEY SING:
HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN
HE TRANSLATES: You're always welcome in this house.
This house is your house.
Friendship and love is the most important things in the world.
And we want to drink about this!
LAUGHTER
THEY SHOUT
I'd just like to say thanks for taking me into your home
showing me about being a Cossack,
and for teaching me to truly fear the sabre.
THEY SHOUT
It's another round of home-brew vodka for the men,
and apricot juice for me and the women.
I'm starting to warm to the Cossack life.
Maybe I should get myself a shashka and a wife and a cabbage
and settle down here.
Get back on the vodka, stab a few pumpkins,
go full Cossack.
Why not?
It's all too horribly tempting,
so I make a run for it while I can.
Rostov-on-Don is close to the border
with war-torn eastern Ukraine,
a country that Russia invaded four years ago.
Hiya. Hello.
Fans staying here may feel a little uneasy.
Thanks.
But they should have no fear.
The hotels in Rostov-on-Don
are taking the safety of their guests very seriously indeed.
Just found this in the wee book they give you in your room.
"If you're held hostage or kidnapped, do not resist.
"Execute the initial orders of terrorists.
"They can be people with unhealthy state of mind
"and behave unpredictable."
They are notoriously unpredictable, terrorists.
I shouldn't imagine at the Premier Inn,
Lenny Henry ever has to do any of this.
After another sleepless night,
I go for a psychotic amble through the streets of Rostov.
Rostov has reputation as quite a tough town,
but it seems to be really nice so far.
The football fans have a reputation for being quite tough.
There's a big game against Zenit tomorrow,
which is supposed to be a bit of an grudge match.
We'll see.
FC Rostov are the underdogs of the Russian Premier League.
Their nickname is Muzhiki, or tough guys.
And their supporters love nothing more
than to take their shirts off and kick each other's rib cages in.
Here's a pack of Rostov fans,
squaring off against Moscow Lokomotiv
like two jellyfish trying to mate.
This may be the most erotic footage I've ever seen.
Hooliganism has been a blight
on Russian domestic football for decades.
It became an international problem when Russian fans ran riot
in Marseille at the European Championship two years ago.
This is Russian football,
floodlights for a two o'clock kick-off.
I'm hoping to speak to a Rostov hooligan at the match
and find out if the violence is as bad as the press make out.
THEY SHOUT
CROWD ROARS
FRANKIE LAUGHS
The Rostov number nine is amazing
and the Rostov number 12 is terrible.
And he keeps kind of putting him through on goal
and he keeps missing.
So tension's building in this stand.
I got a new phone when I arrived in Russia.
I bought it from a shop,
but it's obviously, like, a...
It's obviously, like, a stolen phone
that belonged to a middle-aged lady,
cos I keep getting, like, WhatsApps through
from other middle-aged ladies!
They're, like, showing this woman the new jumper they've got
or things like that. Man, I feel really bad.
THEY CHANT
I'm surprised at how non-confrontational this match
is turning out to be.
Where's the famous violence?
I feel a bit like Danny Dyer, having built this up as a big kind of,
like, grudge match wi' hooligans and things, cos it feels like
a real kind of family friendly vibe, and we've got loads of kids about.
This isn't what I was expecting.
Has Rostov's reputation for violence been overstated?
Or could there be other reasons behind the friendly atmosphere?
It was time to speak to my director.
So, any progress on getting this hooligan to interview?
Well, we've...I mean, we've done everything. Nobody's doing it.
They're not letting us.
The story we've been told is that the FSB
are going around people's houses, all the known hooligans,
and they're knocking the door and they're basically saying to them,
you either leave the country or you stay at home and you do nothing.
So nobody's going to speak to us.
So, threatening them? Yeah, definitely.
The hooligans also really don't like the BBC.
They don't like the BBC? They do not like the BBC.
I don't blame them. Yeah.
I'm sad that we won't be able to talk to any of these people,
cos I find them quite fascinating, you know.
I think hooligans get quite a hard press, people say,
"Oh, these troublemakers, you know,
"they never really care about the football."
If anything, they care about the football too much, you know?
You never hear anyone saying,
"Well, these ultras have taken the recent run of bad form
"incredibly well, surprisingly calm about the whole thing!"
So, yeah, would have liked to talk to someone like that,
but sadly, it's not going to happen.
There's only one thing that could cheer me up - a World Cup song.
The worse the World Cup song, the more I love it.
# We're playing for England
# In-ger-land
# We're playing the song
# We're singing for England
# In-ger-land... #
My Cossack friend Max is writing an unofficial World Cup song
for Russia, and today, he's asked me to help him out.
It's a terrifying building.
If this was a computer game, you'd be, like,
reloading before you went round this corner.
The bleak climb up a desolate stairwell
has got me in the zone for some game changing Cossack rap.
Max is rapping about the World Cup.
And I've tried to rap about Russia and Cossacks. But...
..I don't really know anything about either of those things,
so it could be interesting.
MAN SINGS
HE RAPS:
Ah!
Cossacks yeah!
HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN
Can I hear...?
HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN
Can I hear when the beat comes in?
BEAT PLAYS
THEY RAP IN RUSSIAN
Frankie, go! Frankie.
# Cossack in a boss sack... #
Frankie...
Oh, nearer to the mic.
I've never rapped over a beat before, so...
It's fucking quite difficult.
HE LAUGHS
Frankie.
HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN
# Invading your shit like fucking Julius Caesar
# It's Game Of Thrones and we're the geezers fucking Khaleesi
# We're beefing with FIFA, supplying Putin with reefer
# We turn you on like Bathsheba then cut you off like Crimea
# A BBC bling ting Pumpkin to pimp king
# You know our golden flows impress the hoes like Potemkin. #
I fucked that last bit up, could I do that last bit again?
Oh!
# A BBC bling ting Pumpkin to pimp king
# You know our golden flows impress the hoes like Potemkin. #
Wow. Very good, well done. Cheers, man.
HE LAUGHS
That's the first time I've done that, man. It was my first time.
MUSIC PLAYS
Oh, he's put it up on Facebook.
FRANKIE LAUGHS
I hope people in Scotland see that, they'll be so baffled.
"What is he doing?!"
HE LAUGHS
# Invading your shit like fucking Julius Caesar
# It's Game Of Thrones and we're the geezers fucking Khaleesi
# We're beefing with FIFA, supplying Putin with reefer
# We turn you on like Bathsheba then cut you off like Crimea
# A BBC bling ting... #
HE LAUGHS
He's not feeling it! I don't blame you, man!
I've never done something and felt less "Nailed it!"
HE LAUGHS
It's almost time to get straight out of Rostov.
But before I go, MC Max wants me to swing past his place.
My cat. My cat.
HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN
HE IMITATES A GUN
That was my picture. Putin.
Putin. Vladimir Putin. Are you a fan? Da.
FRANKIE LAUGHS
All the greats!
Max likes to paint portraits of icons,
which makes his next request all the more surprising.
I...you...painting.
OK? Yeah, you're going to paint me?
Da. Great, man, yeah. I'm all for it.
On the saddle?
Am I mounting it correctly?
Frankie.
Can I be Cossack?
Very good!
Cossack pimp!
LAUGHTER
HE SPEAKS RUSSIAN
Is my form right?
I'm looking across the steppes, across the plains.
Frankie's super Cossack!
Max will be exhibiting his paintings for tourists during the World Cup.
Whether my portrait will make the grade remains to be seen.
Yeah!
Arr!
Action painting!
Yeah!
THEY LAUGH
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba! Ba-bum!
FRANKIE LAUGHS
It's very flattering, man. I like it. Yeah.
I think you've been kind to me, man.
You've taken a few pounds off there.
I think you've captured my essential nobility really well.
FRANKIE LAUGHS
I've put,
"Love to you, Max, my Cossack Pimp King."
HE LAUGHS Thank you.
At last, I've found my rightful place on this earth,
snuggled in between these two legends.
My experience in Rostov-on-Don suggests there will be no violence
at the World Cup, no matter how much England fans richly deserve it.
The World Cup's a chance for Russia to re-work its image,
and not only with videos of strange national stereotypes.
They've also taken the progressive step of giving a woman
a top World Cup job.
Meet Victoria.
It's a big honour and a huge responsibility
to represent my country around the world,
and to be the first woman FIFA ambassador
in the history of the World Cup.
It's only 100 days before the tournament kicks off,
so Victoria's hosting a press conference
and demonstrating the sort of penalty
England will go out taking in the quarterfinals.
I would like to say that the main message from FIFA this year
for this World Cup, it's zero discrimination
and everyone's welcome.
So Russia's World Cup is looking good.
The stadiums are being built, there's a woman in charge,
and the hooligans have promised not to kill anyone.
What could possibly go wrong?
It really is like the Cold War.
Police in full chemical suits on the streets of Salisbury
and a Russian double agent who worked for MI6
feared poisoned and critically ill.
When a former Russian spy and his daughter
are found slumped near Zizzi's, it's not the prawn linguini
the British press are quick to blame.
If it was the Russians, could they be any more blatant?
This, eh...diplomatic incident between Britain
and Russia is heating up at home.
MPs today are talking about
trying to take the World Cup away from Russia,
as if British MPs have any influence over that.
It's like...
It's sort of like a branch of Tie Rack trying to decide
what the scheduling of the Eurostar is, or something.
It's just all going to happen anyway.
So this guy, Patrick Wintour,
he's saying Putin wants oligarchs out of London.
I mean, the attack wasn't even in London,
but I don't think oligarchs go to Zizzi's,
which is where it's happened.
It is now clear that Mr Skripal and his daughter
were poisoned with a military-grade nerve agent.
The government has concluded that it is highly likely
that Russia was responsible.
We don't know who did this yet.
Maybe it was Russia, it's quite possible it was Russia.
Maybe it was Britain. Maybe it was someone else.
To be honest, a guy nearly dying on a bench outside Zizzi's,
that's got British workmanship written all over it.
DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS
Anglo-Russian relations quickly plunge into their sorriest state
since Litvinenko ordered the sushi platter,
and the accusations fly.
It is tragic that President Putin has chosen to act in this way.
Hear, hear!
TRANSLATION: I think anyone with common sense understands that
it's nonsensical for Russia to do such a thing before the World Cup.
It's just crazy.
With Britain and Russia on the verge of World War III,
I'm starting to feel a wee bit twitchy.
What if the secret services are following me?
How do I even know what they look like?
Maybe it's her, working undercover.
Maybe it's me.
We're out filming today.
Everyone in the crew's getting messages from home, contacting us,
all going, "Are you safe? Is it safe out there?"
Britain has expelled 23 Russian diplomats
and the royal family aren't going to the World Cup.
I think Russians' attitude to royal families
is ambivalent at best.
They have a...a chequered track record in that area.
And we've not noticed yet us getting followed by any security services
or anything, but to be honest, I would welcome being compromised.
I think today,
I'd quite like to be pissed on just to warm up,
to be honest.
MUSIC: Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy from The Nutcracker
With relations between Russia and Britain
at the worst they've been in decades,
this is not the best time for an opinionated Scotsman
to broadcast his views here.
But I've been invited back to Moscow to do exactly that
on an English-speaking radio show.
Capital FM Moscow, 105.3
Welcome back to Capital Sports here on Moscow's Capital FM.
I'm Alan Moore and here with me today, I'm very, very happy to say,
we have the man and the legend, Mr Frankie Boyle.
Frankie, welcome to Capital FM.
Alan Moore is a top Irish sports journalist
who's worked in Russia for ten years.
Today, he's asked me on his weekly show,
so long as I only talk about football.
What's you first World Cup memory?
What's the first World Cup you remember?
Oh, that's a good one. I remember...
..the hand of God thing, obviously, in '86, really well.
Of course, the hand of God has haunted England ever since
because it was 20 years after they won the World Cup at home.
Is that then karma paying England back,
that they're not going to win the World Cup ever again?
I think if it's karma for the British Empire, I think...
I think the team plane is going to crash into an oil refinery
on the way here.
There's no way it's enough for what they've done!
THEY LAUGH
OK, we'll move on very quickly. So...
But try as we might to change the subject,
the Salisbury spy scandal just won't go away.
MUSIC: Montagues and Capulets by Prokofiev
Particularly when Boris Johnson tiptoes in.
A cross between a head injury and an unmade bed,
a malevolent baked Alaska,
accusing Putin of turning the World Cup into a propaganda exercise.
Yes, I think that comparison with 1936 is...is certainly right.
The 1936 that Boris is making a tactful comparison to
is Hitler's 1936 Olympics.
A comparison that makes absolutely no sense to Russians.
That seems to have touched a bit of a nerve.
I think that's upset a lot of people.
Like, you know, when Boris Johnson compares modern-day Russia to
Nazi Germany, after everything that happened in the Second World War
and 25 million people losing their lives to fight for, you know...
That's a big button to press for Russian people, isn't it?
If you start talking about the Nazis that they fought so hard against.
For the Russians, it's difficult to understand
why Britain is picking on them.
Because they put a lot of stock by Great Britain,
and they love British things.
I mean, Hamleys toy store is a huge hit here,
and Marks & Spencer's.
So it's upsetting for Russians.
I think it's kind of unfortunate, a lot of what's going on.
You sort of feel like, if they really don't like Putin in the west,
they're sort of going the worst way about getting rid of him.
Because everything they do,
from encircling Russia with nuclear bases to sanctions,
everything they do plays into his narrative of,
"Oh, Russian's under siege."
He has such a vast country, it covers 11 time zones,
how do you create a story that bonds all those people together
that isn't us against the world? Do you know what I mean?
So they kind of...they kind of are playing into his hands, a bit.
Are we in the west playing into Putin's hands?
Have we been seduced by his rugged outdoorsman masculinity?
Do we even subconsciously desire to be sexually dominated by him?
Well, I can't speak for everyone.
But what I do know is that the World Cup
couldn't be better timed for Russia.
With World War III inching ever closer,
what greater distraction could there be
than for Russia to host the biggest show on earth?
A lot of people are worried about this World Cup.
And strange as it is to see FIFA associated with corruption,
the choice of Qatar as the next World Cup venue
has surely taken some of the pressure off.
Russia must know that to be seen as a fairly safe choice,
all they need to do is avoid working any slaves to death
or stoning the WAGs.
Of course, this has been billed as the tournament from hell
because the tournament of minor transport delays to some venues
wouldn't sell any newspapers.
Anyway, they don't play football in hell.
They play cricket.
They play cricket all day long, and every thousand years,
they have a break for the Tour de France.
Next week, I'll be making another half-hearted attempt
to get behind the scenes of Russia's World Cup...
Thanks, man. Bit of a shocker for the fans,
the introduction of a 45-year-old captain.
..I'll be visiting one of the wealthiest clubs in the country...
It feels like quite an alien experience to come here, you know,
it feels quite Viking and stuff.
..baring all at post-match sauna...
LAUGHTER
Would I be here if I had a woman?
..and braving the most dangerous footballers in Russia.
You wonder what the injury lists are like in this game, you know.
"Ilyich is missing this season as he's lost both legs at the knee."
FRANKIE LAUGHS